Providing Nutri-Grade Ratings on Everything Because That’s What We Do Now

Top photo: Stephanie Lee / RICE File Photo

The Ministry of Health’s (MOH) war against sugar continues. Now they are starting a war against salt. Packed salt, sauces, seasonings, noodles and cooking oils will soon get their Nutri-Grade labels to show how healthy they are.

Sugary drinks will no longer be the only items sold in the store to carry the dubious honor of being slapped with labels.

But why stop there? Let’s just give it our all while we’re at it.

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Nutri-Grade (Yes, We Are Nutri-Grade)

Nutri Grade: C

You’re telling me Coke Zero is Nutri-Grade B but full fat milk is Nutri-Grade C? Make it logical.

That Viral TikTok Cucumber Salad

Nutri Group: A

This has soy sauce and MSG in it (MOH, avert your eyes), but by god, it’s good. We offer this because eating your vegetables is healthy, even if you need to sprinkle a little sodium.

Join the Run Club

Nutri Group: B

You’re probably thinking: What does Nutri-Grade have to do with running? Now, as I said in the pre-amble, we are still in the group everything. So just stay with me.

Before this year, the longest I had ever run in one run was 2.4km. Now, I run 4km normally. I can’t explain it. When you hit 30, you start running away from your problems—literally and figuratively. Change creeps into your brain, and it happens: You start buying your first pair of running shoes, strapping a Garmin to your wrist, and downloading the Strava app. I don’t make rules. As coping mechanisms go, running is actually good for heart and mind health. Just don’t damage your knees.

Looking for Love on Dating Apps

Nutri Group: D

People, please come up with something more interesting than “looking for someone to delete this app with” and “long romantic trips to the fridge”. And no one cares if you think pineapples are for pizza. Choosing too little in the process can create a strong lack of confidence and lead you to join a running group as a coping mechanism. Use at your own risk.

Having Children

Nutri Grade: C

It’s profitable, of course. But these can cause an increase in blood pressure and stress levels. Maybe it’s best in small measure.

Financial Assistance for Redundant Workers

Nutri Group: A

See how the government is giving $6,000 to involuntary unemployed workers? Paying more attention. It helps a lot. Worrying about feeding your family but hunting for a job or improving your skills is not fun. It may have taken the government a year to catch up since SM Lee Hsien Loong first presented the title at the National Day Rally 2023, but better late than never.

New Brandy Melville Store

Nutri Group: F

No matter how your TikTok FYP tries to convince you, sticking to one-size-fits-all fashion isn’t healthy for your wallet. I’m not trying to yuck yum anyone, but maybe you would reconsider giving your money to a company accused of racism, fatphobia, and mistreatment of its employees?

Real Estate Agents

Nutri-Grade: B- (Hey, maybe the actual Nutri-Grade ratings should be half a grade too.)

Hear me. They get a bad rep, but there are agents out there who really try to do right by their clients. And perhaps the collective disdain the public seems to have for estate agents is largely due to high property prices. When buying real estate is already expensive, carving out two percent of that for an agent’s commission feels like cutting a pound of your flesh.

Skibidi Toilet

Nutri-Grade: Skibi-D

How can you measure social media brainrot and assign it to a group of letters? I don’t know. I’m too busy being sigma and lookmaxxing. Do I have rizz? Or do I have a negative aura?

Mustafa Center (the 24-Hour Version)

Nutri-Grade: A+

Mustafa is a hub where you can find anything and everything at a bargain price, and it’s the Disneyland of millennials. For the first time since the epidemic began, the beloved department store is returning to 24-hour operations. Here it is: A true sign that the epidemic is over and done with.

Rice (Food)

Nutri Group: A

Yes, there are some grains that are good for you. But apart from this common carb, there is no Hainanese chicken rice, nasi padang, nasi lemak, nasi goreng, or cai fan. This cornerstone of Asian cuisine does not deserve an ‘A’.

Rice (Advertisement)

Nutri-Grade: A(?)

Not to blow our own horn – or compare ourselves – but we try our best to feed your mind. In the world of fast food, eating home-cooked rice can be the best option.

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